Waiting for Here


Jana’s Sketchbook No. 9

For the past several years now, I have been in “wait” mode. I have been waiting for a diagnosis or answers at least. Waiting to feel better. Waiting to walk again without pain. Waiting to lose weight. Waiting to get back to work, rather than doing the “work half of the time” and “sleep the other half” thing. Waiting to serve God.

Waiting is all that I have been doing, but now I am HERE.

I am seeing things differently. Here I am. Here am I.

I am seeing myself in a new way. An honest way.

I am obese, because I have been eating for comfort.

I will not feel better, because of the diagnoses (CRPS, POTS, and EDS-3).

I will not be able to walk again. I mean, I can walk some, but I cannot WALK. I can no longer take a long walk. The kind of long walk that calms me. The kind of walk where everything comes into focus, and I am able to get back to the task of living. There will be no more walking like that.

I will not be able to work the way I used to work. My career plan will not happen (I do not want to talk about that.).

I will not serve God the way I thought I would.

I know I am not supposed to say that things will never get better, or I will not reach my goals. I am supposed to be positive, have hope, have faith, and ask for forgiveness, etc. [As if I have not tried these things repeatedly.]

The reality remains that until and unless there is a miracle cure, this is it—I am HERE.

I am not saying miracles are not real, or a cure is not possible. I do believe in miracles. I have seen them, but I know God has a different plan for me, for now. I know that I am “here” for a reason. I do not doubt that at all.

I am here. Seeing things differently. Here I am. Here am I.

I can see now that it is not about me, or the things I have been waiting for.

I am here, and what I can do here is what Isaiah did and say, “Here am I; send me.”

Just a thought…

“Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.” Isaiah 6:8, King James Version (KJV).